March 16, 2013
7:25 am, Some Wednesday in March.
I am about to step into the prayer room. My teenage son says something about "what I did to his computer" and that sets me off. My emotional temperature shoots up and I literally lose my mind. I say, "GET OUT. Don't talk to me!" He is on his way to school. We usually say "Jai Shri Krishna!" to each other, a nice Gujarati custom.
He realizes that my reaction is way more than he had bargained for. He wonders. Would I launch into a rant, get him worked up and let more words be exchanged that we would both regret? Or would he get lucky? He says, sorry and stands at the door and says, "Jai Shri Krishna!" He said it three times before the sound penetrated my brain. Gruffly I return the greeting and he laves for school.
7:27 am
I am trying to say my prayer. Gurudev's ashtottaram.
This time my mind kicks off the chanting. Another part screams inside my head. "WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THERE IS NO 'HIS COMPUTER'! As long as he is in MY HOUSE, everything he has is MINE."
Gurudev's names tumble out mechanically from my lips.
7:28 am
A third part of mind says, "Remember, a kid in our neighborhood ran away after an argument with his parents? I don't want that to happen. CALM DOWN, MAN!"
A couple of names of Gurudev catch my attention, "OM shaantaaya namaH! ..... OM samabuddahye namaH". "Come ON! The Guru is peaceful, he sees the ups and downs of life calmly. Calm Down, NOW!"
7:30 am
OK, it is not working. I restart the chanting loudly. I go through the 108 names and I regain a tiny fraction of self control.
I sit at the breakfast table. My iPhone is next to me. I unlock it. I want to send him a nasty SMS.
No, way! HE is NOT responsible for YOUR state of mind! Calm DOWN, again.
7:35 am
Mechanically, I shove breakfast into my mouth. I am about to angrily whine about breakfast but control myself in time.
7:38 am
I finally send him a text, "I am upset that I put the key to my happiness in your pocket. Good job snatching it and running away with it. :-)" I paraphrased a quote from Gurudev.
7:45 am
I am able to finish breakfast, Arundhati drops me at the station. I am calmer now. I just tell her, "He really yanked my chain and I got upset." She wisely doesn't encourage further discussion because she is preoccupied with a different project.
7:57 am
I get on the bus and try again to distract myself with prayer. It works briefly.. and again my mind is back to "when he gets home, I will tell him ... why does he never learn? this is ridiculous. More of the same recriminations, looping again and again on what he said, what I should have said...
8:10 am
Suddenly it comes to me. Śŗī Kŗşņa frequently warns us about krodha or anger in the Bhagavad Geeta. He refers to anger as one of three doorways to hell. This must be blog-worthy. Could I be completely objective? To be objective, I realized I have to clinically describe the origins of my anger and the descent into the "hell" of a mind that almost completely loses itself?
8:15 am
It is this exercise that finally brings me some measure of control over my feelings. I "coolly" play back the sequence of events, especially of my state of mind. I think I succeed in being a 'saakshi' (साक्षी - witness) of my own mind.
This is what is presented above. I looked up the Geeta reference for anger being a gateway to hell. Here it is, verse 16-21.
त्रिविधं नरकस्येदं द्वारं नाशनमात्मनः |
कामः क्रोधस्तथा लोभस्तस्मादेतत्त्रयं त्यजेत् ||१६-२१||
trividhaM narakasyedaM dvAraM nAshanamAtmanaH .
kAmaH krodhastathA lobhastasmAdetattrayaM tyajet.h .. 16-21..
These three are the gates of hell, destructive of the Self: lust, anger and greed; therefore, one should abandon these three.
Hari Om and Namaskaar until the next post
I am about to step into the prayer room. My teenage son says something about "what I did to his computer" and that sets me off. My emotional temperature shoots up and I literally lose my mind. I say, "GET OUT. Don't talk to me!" He is on his way to school. We usually say "Jai Shri Krishna!" to each other, a nice Gujarati custom.
He realizes that my reaction is way more than he had bargained for. He wonders. Would I launch into a rant, get him worked up and let more words be exchanged that we would both regret? Or would he get lucky? He says, sorry and stands at the door and says, "Jai Shri Krishna!" He said it three times before the sound penetrated my brain. Gruffly I return the greeting and he laves for school.
7:27 am
I am trying to say my prayer. Gurudev's ashtottaram.
This time my mind kicks off the chanting. Another part screams inside my head. "WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? THERE IS NO 'HIS COMPUTER'! As long as he is in MY HOUSE, everything he has is MINE."
Gurudev's names tumble out mechanically from my lips.
7:28 am
A third part of mind says, "Remember, a kid in our neighborhood ran away after an argument with his parents? I don't want that to happen. CALM DOWN, MAN!"
A couple of names of Gurudev catch my attention, "OM shaantaaya namaH! ..... OM samabuddahye namaH". "Come ON! The Guru is peaceful, he sees the ups and downs of life calmly. Calm Down, NOW!"
7:30 am
OK, it is not working. I restart the chanting loudly. I go through the 108 names and I regain a tiny fraction of self control.
I sit at the breakfast table. My iPhone is next to me. I unlock it. I want to send him a nasty SMS.
No, way! HE is NOT responsible for YOUR state of mind! Calm DOWN, again.
7:35 am
Mechanically, I shove breakfast into my mouth. I am about to angrily whine about breakfast but control myself in time.
7:38 am
I finally send him a text, "I am upset that I put the key to my happiness in your pocket. Good job snatching it and running away with it. :-)" I paraphrased a quote from Gurudev.
7:45 am
I am able to finish breakfast, Arundhati drops me at the station. I am calmer now. I just tell her, "He really yanked my chain and I got upset." She wisely doesn't encourage further discussion because she is preoccupied with a different project.
7:57 am
I get on the bus and try again to distract myself with prayer. It works briefly.. and again my mind is back to "when he gets home, I will tell him ... why does he never learn? this is ridiculous. More of the same recriminations, looping again and again on what he said, what I should have said...
8:10 am
Suddenly it comes to me. Śŗī Kŗşņa frequently warns us about krodha or anger in the Bhagavad Geeta. He refers to anger as one of three doorways to hell. This must be blog-worthy. Could I be completely objective? To be objective, I realized I have to clinically describe the origins of my anger and the descent into the "hell" of a mind that almost completely loses itself?
8:15 am
It is this exercise that finally brings me some measure of control over my feelings. I "coolly" play back the sequence of events, especially of my state of mind. I think I succeed in being a 'saakshi' (साक्षी - witness) of my own mind.
This is what is presented above. I looked up the Geeta reference for anger being a gateway to hell. Here it is, verse 16-21.
त्रिविधं नरकस्येदं द्वारं नाशनमात्मनः |
कामः क्रोधस्तथा लोभस्तस्मादेतत्त्रयं त्यजेत् ||१६-२१||
trividhaM narakasyedaM dvAraM nAshanamAtmanaH .
kAmaH krodhastathA lobhastasmAdetattrayaM tyajet.h .. 16-21..
These three are the gates of hell, destructive of the Self: lust, anger and greed; therefore, one should abandon these three.
Hari Om and Namaskaar until the next post
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